I thought it would be fun to share some of my favorite jazz jokes. Warning: you probably should consider their source. I’m not a funny guy. I know this to be true because my teenage daughter has told me so many times.
Nevertheless, here are my favorite jazz jokes. Enjoy. Or not…
Two women are walking by a small pond when they hear a voice, “Ladies!” They look around but don’t see anyone. Then they hear it again, “Ladies! Ladies! Down here!” There on a lily pad is a frog.
“Is that you talking?” one of the ladies asks the frog.
“Yes,” replies the frog. “I’m actually one of the world’s greatest jazz saxophonists. However, I was turned into a frog by an angry witch.”
“Really?” say the women.
“Yes,” answers the frog, “and all it would take is a kiss from either of you, the curse would be broken, and I would return to my former self.”
One of the women gets down on her knees, reaches across to the lily pad, and picks up the frog. Standing up, she quickly puts the frog in her pocket, and starts to walk away.
Her startled friend says, “Hey, wait a minute! Aren’t you going to kiss him?”
“Are you, crazy?” says the other woman. “I can make a lot more money with a talking frog than I can a jazz saxophonist.”
Two drummers walk into a bar. That’s actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second drummer would have seen the first one do it.
One night, the front man said to his drummer, “When the band starts to swing, I want you to play more on the ride cymbal.” The drummer replied, “When the band starts to swing, will you please raise your hand?”
You can tell that your plane is carrying flute players because, when the engines stop, the whining continues.
The reason why so many weird noises come out of the end of saxophones is that Mr. Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief, the saxophones are percussion instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.
Kenny G. steps out of an elevator with a big grin on face and says, “Man, this place rocks!”
At the end of a concert, a critic approaches the saxophonist and says, “You know, your problem is that you sound too much like Bird.” The sax player takes his sax from around his neck and hands it to the critic. “Here! Take this,” he says. “Now, you go sound like Bird.”
Inscription on a blues-singer’s tombstone: “Didn’t wake up dis mornin’…”
Nearing the end of a bad rehearsal, an exasperated pianist finally says to the singer, “This time, I want you to sing seven bars of the first verse, and then go immediately to the second ending. Then sing four bars of the second verse a semitone higher and only half of the first ending before going to the bridge. After six bars of the bridge, give me a five bar solo, and then come back in with the first six bars of the last verse. Follow that with half of the coda. Then repeat the coda five times before finally ending on the root a semitone higher.”
“I can’t remember all that!!”
“Sure you can. That’s what you do every time.”
Singer: So, how am I sounding so far?
Band leader: It could be worse.
Singer: That’s not a very nice thing to say.
Band leader: Okay, it couldn’t be worse.
The difference between a vocalist and a terrorist is that you can negotiate with a terrorist.
Two musicians who haven’t seen each other for some time meet late one night in a jazz club. “Hey, man,” says one, “I hear you recorded a CD.”
“Yeah, that’s right, man,” replies the other. “I released it a few months ago.”
“How much have you sold?” asks the first.
“Ohh…just the house and the car.”
Right before going onstage, a band leader finds his bass player completely distraught.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“The piano player has de-tuned one of my strings,” sobbed the bassist.
“So, what’s the problem?”
“He won’t tell me which one!”
How many singers does it take to sing ‘My Funny Valentine’? Probably all of them.
But wait, there’s more…